Some seriousness is in order here. For this past few weeks I’ve been crapping too much to offset the uneasy feelings I’m having regarding certain matters, biggest being, as you blog readers know, the fighting incident.
Some self reflection is definitely needed in regards to this matter.
(Just a note, this post really isn’t very reader-friendly, I seriously doubt much people will understand it, and the wall of words I’ve constructed is very intimidating. SO don’t say I never warn you! I cannot give you back any life wasted should you continue beyond this point!)
I am old already, I seriously have no time to waste. So why is it that I cannot control my temper?
You know all along, I thought that after the incident where I smashed my right hand against the notice board. (Chinese HOD somemore. LOL) and seeing that worried look on my dad’s face that is forever BURNT into my memory. I thought I changed, I thought that I’ve banish to the pits of eternal damnation those traits that gets me into trouble. Well, it didn’t. but I definitely mellowed down.
(The bottom caption reads: ‘2 puncture wounds, 4 stitches each. one 0.5cm thick, 4cm long glass shard stuck inside, nearly hit the bone. Removed. Currently kept somewhere for reminder’)
But still, I guess I was living in my lalaland; thinking that I’m matured and ready to take on anything and everything that was/is going to be thrown at me.
This incident woke me up. I realized, I really ain’t THAT mature. Neither did I manage to find any solutions/improvements to my severe deficient in the EQ department.
You know, sometimes It is very hard to be living on your own with no one to guide you. sure, your dad or your mom may be there to give you the physical support like pocket money, a roof for sheltor and etc. but emotionally and spiritually, they might not be able to give you that. If you’re lucky and recieve all those, than good for you. But for my case, My dad wasn’t around most of the time and I don’t live with my mom, So I was pretty much learning things through trial and errors.
Friends mean alot to me back then. Though, I thank Ti Gong and all other deities out there once again that I was born ‘right’ and didn’t fall into the dark side easily. During my sec school days, my bunch of friends consists of centre-parting, sharp comb wielding, bell bottom wearing ah bengs that get their asses into a fight at the slightest opportunity.
*just a interesting side-note, being with them lowers down my sensitivity quite alot I feel. Because EVERYDAY surely will have someone to suan or di siao*
But really, I’m harmless. just the mouth sometimes too sharp only. moving on,
Can you imagine fighting just because someone accidentally drop a cloth hanger from the 10th storey?? Went up there search for the poor soul and hoot him chiat lat chiat lat. Of course I didn’t take part, but i did hear the sound of fists being exchanged. nonsense I tell you.
(A short snippet taken from Royston tan’s 15. From my experience, I believe I can be fair to say that Royston Tan did a good job depicting SG’s Gang Scene. Seriously, They are not really mindless imbeciles looking for a fight at every chance, that’s quite a very narrow-minded view IMHO. If you, like me, have been mixing around in their environment for a extended period of time, you will agree with me when I say that they deserve genuine, self-voluntary respect in certain ways. But well, this blog post ain’t about that, so we shall it leave it as that)
I kept LOL’ing when I was watching that clip. It brings back memories. Techno~~~ OoooWu OOOoowu OOOO diew diew diew! HAHAHAHAHA BTH!
Anyway, I digress.
So as I was saying, it’s hard to control my emotions and sometimes, my attitude, when I don’t even know where is the root of the problem! the guidance, the logic behind things just wasn’t there. I am sometimes very oblivious to the mental workings of my body. I may do or react to things now, then later start to wonder… why the fuck did I do that? and/or why am I reacting this way?
But then again, it’s not really ALL bad. due to this ‘condition’, I’m more adept at overloading my brain with questions and finding answers to them myself than other people. The constant thirst of knowledge while seeking my path to enlightenment probably is the reason why I am so clever why I didn’t get my ass into trouble.. MUCH.
It is also quite reasonable to say that my temper and my reaction to aggressive behaviors somewhat stems from the fact that I had to fend for myself since a young age. And perhaps also, due to the attention seeking side of me. I mean, it’s pretty common knowledge actually. Kids who were born in broken families or didn’t receieve the love they were suppose to tend to either seek attention one way or another and/or grasp at any love opportunity they see; what they don’t get from their parents, they find it in friends or potential ‘SOs’.
THIS is our weakness. Apart from that, We are pretty much stronger than people who live in a ‘cosier’ environment.
My point here is, the environment I was brought up in + the fact that I was the attention seeking sort meant that I won’t really back down from a fight if challenged. Losing and getting people to either look down on you or despise you is really kinda traumatising for us, or at least, for me.
I am not trying to find excuses to my violent and stupid behavior, since as I’ve said from the start, the purpose here is to self reflect, and the method I use to self-reflect is to ‘get in touch and know more’ about myself through a series of questions and answers.
So moving on,
Does the reason I provided really justify me punching my friend, instead of reporting the matter to my superior(Which was obviously a much better thing to do)? my answer will be a big fat NO.
I will say that even though I was just trying to protect myself from his overly aggressive behavior, I gotta admit I may have unknowingly provoked him in the first place with my body language.
Once again, the problem is the refusal to step down; I didn’t want to fight, but neither did I wanted to look meek and/or weak.
Fighting is wrong, I know. I feel guilty for causing trouble to my superiors over at the Turf Club, I feel guilty and deeply ashamed for causing worry and unhappiness to my parents. And I feel guilty and extremely disappointed for not behaving in a more matured way.
BUT, I really CANNOT bring myself to say that I felt guilty for exchanging blows with my friend.
OK. I do feel stupid for dealing him the first punch in the office, but after that.. during the staircase, round 2, that one I really really don’t feel guilty. I felt I was just acting in self defense.
I’m sure for those of you who don’t know the full story must be feeling WTFBBQ THIS GUY TALKING SMKKJ?!
but I didn’t meant for this post to be reader-friendly anyway. Good for you if you understand and actually bothered to read until here. don’t feel frustrated if you don’t. It was not meant to be understood easily anyway.
This is also another reason why I tend not to be too serious. I know myself, once I go into serious mode, you will either..
1) feel like choking me for being lor soh and un-understandable
2) Immediately fell asleep and after that wish that you never speak to me ever again.
Well, time for conclusion,
So overall do I really really regret my actions and REALLY REALLY want this to never happen again??
you noe, fending for yourself since you were in primary 3 up till now(11years in total??), its just really very hard for me to turn into a meek little boy that avoids confrontations at every corner.
BUT, I will learn to start thinking twice before I do anything. Especially when it involves my future.
Again, I am old, seriously no more time to play play. my friend just got his first working-life adult pay check lor! and where am I?! still in poly haven’t even go NS.
seriously big WTF?!
Anyway, have I been suspended by my school, I would have to repeat 6 months! and I realized that I mean even have to postpone my studies cause I already deferred 2 times and I doubt they will be so nice as to grant me a third one.
I will try and be good boy. But I REALLY need my mental wall to protect me also.
CONGRATS! for reading past this point.